Recessive

Your eyes, your voice, your smile, your smell. It haunts me in plain daylight. A presence I simply can't ignore. Standing there in the corner of my mind, watching my every move, judging each step I take. Not the way it used to be, more like a pasive image strained through my train of thought.

Makes me feel I was wrong all along. Wasted effort on forgetting you, because one simple word can make me go blind. It's just crazy... the way you make my world flip. Unacceptable. Uncontrolable.

I've gotten over it, I have. But I can't seem to forget it. It's just there, reminding me daily that I can't control myself at all. Reminding me my decisions are just recessive, if a dominant particle is added I'm subdued.

"For the best"

I take it as the most predictable outcome. In the end this was bound to happen. I couldn't go so smoothly after all. After the harsh close that resulted in my personal case,I thought it would set sail. Apparently it found it's way back to shore. It's not over still, and I don't think it will really ever be. It takes three sentences from him to prove he still owns a piece of me. He isn't quite ready to relinquish just yet. I will just have to learn to endure it. Each second that ticks by grows us further apart and each word makes me realize how live loses its depth in my solitude. As if I were living in automatic stance, sleepwalking through time. My absent gaze is the one that gives me away.

I just know it is the path that has to be taken, the direccion meant for my life right now. The knowledge of this vague intuision makes me drown in my own grief and abide to my apathy. I am not so sure to be ready to accept this decision, but it has already been taken. "For the best". Three words that crush me and make me hit stiffly towards the damp ground. Then I find myself paralyzed, laying face to the floor, truant. Not a single thought dares to cross my mind. I am just numb. Don't notice when comes the ink colored sky, without a single star hangs high. Only the serene silver displayed by the moon. Then again, it fades to gray, the birds praise a new day, and I remain the same. Maybe I've died in vain, but I can't see myself living a new day.

My First Blogged Bemusement

It suddenly hit me. I'm a coward. I run from everything regarding one unique excuse, I can do better than this. It's just a lie. There is no such thing as good and better, there is just the fact of being content with yourself. That is what makes something exclusively right for you. And this I do know, you can not fill in a void with something else. It's like fitting a cube in a sphere. You can try as hard as you want, but it won't make any difference. That is what I've been doing all along. You think you can go back to the way it used to be. I'm starting to corroborate the veracity of my theories. Once you've opened some space in your timetable to delegate, you can't go back. At that precise moment the neverending search comences. You'll believe you've conquered it at times, but it won't be long till it's over and you continue pursuing that piece that's missing. The truth is nothing ever existed, you're just looking for something you never knew about. People find so many different ways to stuff the empty. If I may say ignorants have an easier task. Understanding has dual sharpness to it, but at the same time I'm grateful I don't lack of it. I have no wish to live a shallow life. Rather be profound and thoughtful, even if it costs me some moments of despair. I'm afraid, now that I come to think about it, I've retraced my bewilderment elsewhere. A certain remorse came along with it. Some more burden to carry I guess. When I look at this, myself, my thoughts from a different perspective I can't help but think I get so caught up in such trains of thought. I should just avoid them. Play ignorant for some time. But at the same time you know, if you do so, these little things will manifest anyways, whether through unwanted habits or inexplicable sorrow. Better confront it I guess, even if you know you won't actually find any answers. In some strange way it lightens you up a bit. It's hard to be distracted all day long, specially when your just waiting for something in particular that's weeks away. This was the reason I wanted school to start on vacations, to get away from my obstuse mind. You can't run away forever. However, at the same time, it never ends. You just confront it over and over. The solution to everything is to have a busy life, unless you have that special someone I guess. I sure know that distracts you a whole lot, if not entirely. Three whole weeks to burn, twenty one days each holding aproximately fourteen hours of conciousness. Then we have a whole new beggining, my secret little excuse.