Something about Today

I do not know if I am just drowsy from the day that just swept by, or something inexplicable is really clouding my mind. Sounds rather eloquent that nothing can be quite explanatory of my situation, despite it I will try to illustrate what it is I am trying to decipher.

To begin with I would like to connote that it has been an utterly regular day, so regular it goes beyond the standards. Nothing happened, nothing enlightened me, nothing blued me, nothing astonished me, yet nothing put me down just because of the forthcoming. Needless to say my mind had no action for the day; just calm, blue sea displayed upon a clear blue canvas, exactly the same as I could see through my window. With no means can I say it was a bad day, but it was not any better than any other. Precisely laid just upon "0", not a step positive or negative. As I have said before, I always appreciate something that sets out of the ordinary even if it refers to something below "0". Perhaps this would make my day the worst among all, given my point of view. At the same time I should point out the day had the same foundation to pass by along with the rest, unnoticed, either adding or subtracting to my balance, but for some reason it was not.

The difference of this day can not be found outside, among weather conditions, or social encounters; it is just inside my head. The difference is due to a void in my head. I have let go to all of my attachments and now, I remain with none. I am not fighting, not mourning, or celebrating for anything. I have simply redeemed myself to whatever is to come. However, now everything seems dull and colorless, just shades of gray. As if I were giving up on all, and just accepting what is served in my plate. I have definitely never been one for settling, but I neither have I been one for waiting. Maybe time does not exist as many theories may imply, but I find we do set upon a lifetime with this context and I am not about to let this one slip away from me. Even so I feel restless, despite my wants and needs I still have not found a way to get past the once open door that stands in my way. The thing is, when I come to think of it, I am not sure I even want to. I stick with this sole door only because I know it is closed and it keeps me in the thought of actually doing something, instead of loitering around lacking of goals and beliefs.

All this random ideas, all uncertain, yet all argumentatively right. You can stand strongly for anything if you just believe in it, but what if I have nothing to believe in? Am I to lay around in the midst of abhorrent events? I have all this pile of emotions just sitting inside me with nothing to react to. How I wish something could set them alive, any of them... Set "me" alive. Take me away from the monotony one is relentless to experience in life. Yes, we go through rises and falls, but we also go through straight paths; precisely these are the ones I am terrified of. No challenge to face, no victory to celebrate, no loss to regret, just nothingness. Without any distractions there is nothing to do less to think, examine your life, go through all of your decisions and come up with some judgement about it. This is the part I loathe, nothing worse than being measured or acclaimed to something, even by myself. If only we could just go by ignorant of judgements. Everything has to be graded, qualified, recognized, scored. Everyone knows who is winning and losing in a game, is there really the need of a score board? Something to rub off on your face is just painfully redundant. Even if it refers to something good, your pride is already up high, no need to boost it more, it makes you end up bigger than your body.

All in all, the only thing truthful I can say is that the day is fortunately over. Soon the same sun will rise, just as it does everyday, and another set of cards will be drawn to uncover. I can just sleep with the hope of getting a better hand, and clear the fog in my head enjoying a glimpse of my own parallel universe manifested through my dreams.

The Meanwhile

There is something in my head, keeping my thoughts away but leaving the emotions. I can not quite connect them to anything particular. I just behold random emotions floating around in void created by the lack of thought. Feels funny, yet so confusing... Almost frustrating. I keep trying to link them to something, anything. Sometimes there is just nothing happening, sometimes you are just in the meanwhile, waiting for the next moment to come.