Music

So, I got bored of posting my emotional explosions and outbursts. So I decided to talk about what I am most passionate about, music. Ever since I was young I related to music a lot to help me abandon this routinely world. I started taking guitar lessons at an early age when I moved with my mom and sister to Boston. All I wanted was an electric guitar. After that as I got back to Venezuela I starting taking singing and drum lessons, and singing and piano lessons in Valencia. However, as I was just a kid it did not take long for me to abandon all of these classes. I was never one to receive orders from anyone, it is not much of my thing. So I just meandered into the sea of bands out there for us to listen. Once you start listening to your first "favorite band" (Over the years I have learnt there is no such thing as "a" favorite band) your life gets channeled into this new perspective of life. From that point on, you will never be the same child you used to be. Earphones become the spaceship that rockets you into a different planet, and all of the sudden, you are not really missing home. The thing is that at this point you are just so ignorant of all there is out there. There is nothing like discovering an amazing underground band and just immersing into it like scuba divers in the great barrier of reef. Another world really. And, as you discover one heaps more just keep coming. Suddenly you find yourself with so much songs in your computer you would not even have time to listen to them all unless you kept your ipod running 24/7. But how can you get rid of a band from your library? You never know when you will stumble upon it and fall into it's canvas. That is my theory anyway. Some people do not understand what music is really about. Perhaps I am just stubborn when it comes to this subject, perhaps I'm not. But good music is not about stupid melodies that get stuck in your head or a beat that regardless of their obnoxious pervy lyrics get you swinging, because honestly, dancing as if you're having sex with clothes on with any guy that steps in front of you is not exactly my idea of flattering. To me, music is the combination of different tunes, notes and chords which creates an outlet of people's minds. But hey, do not get me wrong, it is not a matter of life and death it is so much more than that. The thing is there aren't words for me to explain it.

Music.

Music is the key to life. At least for me.

I am fed up of being dragged into the black hole. This is where it stops, this is where it ends but also when it starts all over again. This is when I finally hit rock bottom and get to stand up again and face the consequences. This is where I remain strong, true to myself, not driven into temptations. I have had enough of it all, enough of this addiction, enough of this lack of decisiveness. This is when I gain power, will and force to reach my goals. This is when the excuses are over and I stand against the reality. This is my promise, this is my fate, this is my moment. Nothing can stop me, nothing but my own weakness. Strength is my weapon, and I will succeed.

Uncovering the origin of the emotion is where everything revolves. At this point there will be no shortcuts. Just plain war, it is me against the mind. Fight to death, only one can remain in this train of feeble thoughts and unwilling actions. I am putting my foot down to this madness, this insanity. I am not being pulled in like the rest, I am bigger than that, bigger than them. I can not lower myself to that level of decrepitude and deficiency. Settling for the undemanding as if I weren't able to achieve more. I am breaking through this brick wall that seems so unnerving. I am not being caged in.

This is a promise I make to myself today, tonight at this instant in time to set the future of me.

Under the Carpet...

I found myself sitting in silence, observing the ocean. It has been a while since I have actually spent some time with my own thoughts. Perhaps I have been risking my emotional stability a bit overboard so I am just avoiding to face the facts. I say I am fine, I really think I am. However, there is one small piece inside of me screaming the opposite. It makes me wonder if I am just slipping all my problems under the carpet, and if I am there might come the point when you simply can hide the tumult anymore.

I am questioning the sanity of it all. Just how wrong can this all be, or maybe how normal?... Those things do affect me, they are not as insignificant as I would want them to be. No matter how strong I would like to seem I know it is not swiping by as smoothly as I would like to believe. My consciousness does not really want to leave the comfort zone located far away from the sensitive side. Rather leave it wining on its own. If you do not see it you can not believe it is a good philosophy to roam around life unscathed.

Taking a sip is merely an exit door to run away from yourself. How fucked up can I be to be escaping for so long now? And how long until they actually catch up with me? I am scared to immerse myself into the tunes and the melodies that will dig up all I have hid undercover. Should I just let go, face the inevitable?

Something about Today

I do not know if I am just drowsy from the day that just swept by, or something inexplicable is really clouding my mind. Sounds rather eloquent that nothing can be quite explanatory of my situation, despite it I will try to illustrate what it is I am trying to decipher.

To begin with I would like to connote that it has been an utterly regular day, so regular it goes beyond the standards. Nothing happened, nothing enlightened me, nothing blued me, nothing astonished me, yet nothing put me down just because of the forthcoming. Needless to say my mind had no action for the day; just calm, blue sea displayed upon a clear blue canvas, exactly the same as I could see through my window. With no means can I say it was a bad day, but it was not any better than any other. Precisely laid just upon "0", not a step positive or negative. As I have said before, I always appreciate something that sets out of the ordinary even if it refers to something below "0". Perhaps this would make my day the worst among all, given my point of view. At the same time I should point out the day had the same foundation to pass by along with the rest, unnoticed, either adding or subtracting to my balance, but for some reason it was not.

The difference of this day can not be found outside, among weather conditions, or social encounters; it is just inside my head. The difference is due to a void in my head. I have let go to all of my attachments and now, I remain with none. I am not fighting, not mourning, or celebrating for anything. I have simply redeemed myself to whatever is to come. However, now everything seems dull and colorless, just shades of gray. As if I were giving up on all, and just accepting what is served in my plate. I have definitely never been one for settling, but I neither have I been one for waiting. Maybe time does not exist as many theories may imply, but I find we do set upon a lifetime with this context and I am not about to let this one slip away from me. Even so I feel restless, despite my wants and needs I still have not found a way to get past the once open door that stands in my way. The thing is, when I come to think of it, I am not sure I even want to. I stick with this sole door only because I know it is closed and it keeps me in the thought of actually doing something, instead of loitering around lacking of goals and beliefs.

All this random ideas, all uncertain, yet all argumentatively right. You can stand strongly for anything if you just believe in it, but what if I have nothing to believe in? Am I to lay around in the midst of abhorrent events? I have all this pile of emotions just sitting inside me with nothing to react to. How I wish something could set them alive, any of them... Set "me" alive. Take me away from the monotony one is relentless to experience in life. Yes, we go through rises and falls, but we also go through straight paths; precisely these are the ones I am terrified of. No challenge to face, no victory to celebrate, no loss to regret, just nothingness. Without any distractions there is nothing to do less to think, examine your life, go through all of your decisions and come up with some judgement about it. This is the part I loathe, nothing worse than being measured or acclaimed to something, even by myself. If only we could just go by ignorant of judgements. Everything has to be graded, qualified, recognized, scored. Everyone knows who is winning and losing in a game, is there really the need of a score board? Something to rub off on your face is just painfully redundant. Even if it refers to something good, your pride is already up high, no need to boost it more, it makes you end up bigger than your body.

All in all, the only thing truthful I can say is that the day is fortunately over. Soon the same sun will rise, just as it does everyday, and another set of cards will be drawn to uncover. I can just sleep with the hope of getting a better hand, and clear the fog in my head enjoying a glimpse of my own parallel universe manifested through my dreams.

The Meanwhile

There is something in my head, keeping my thoughts away but leaving the emotions. I can not quite connect them to anything particular. I just behold random emotions floating around in void created by the lack of thought. Feels funny, yet so confusing... Almost frustrating. I keep trying to link them to something, anything. Sometimes there is just nothing happening, sometimes you are just in the meanwhile, waiting for the next moment to come.

Bombshells

I'm fine. I'm ok. Missing the bombshells. It's all awfully quiet. Nothing under the line. Why would you want a calm sea when you can erode with waves. The stillness makes me anxious, as if something is to come. Nothing comes. Wanting so bad makes you desperate, even more when it's a hard thing to find. Never settled for the lower apples. I keep looking further up in the tree. Once you've taken a bite of the forbiden you'll never get the taste out of your mouth. Wind up expecting.

Distractions. Minor detonators to keep you down for a while. Perhaps it lessens the suspense of the final scene. Is it worth it? Even though I know the answer to that question, patience isn't my gift. The best kind of prize is a surprise, isn't that so. Take me down already if you need to. That way I don't get caught up on wondering, wishing and expecting. I don't mind, just get this weight off my back. What if it never comes. So many years ahead, I know, but the odds don't look very good. My mind is not good dealing with absences, anything that arrives should stay or otherwise drive me crazy. Nothing lasts forever though, so I should start learning to deal with growing voids.

Settle, not settle, pride, desire, self-esteem, anxiousness. So many wishes, which to follow. Is there a right choice? Arguments backing up each one of them. All of them seem so convincing.