Music

So, I got bored of posting my emotional explosions and outbursts. So I decided to talk about what I am most passionate about, music. Ever since I was young I related to music a lot to help me abandon this routinely world. I started taking guitar lessons at an early age when I moved with my mom and sister to Boston. All I wanted was an electric guitar. After that as I got back to Venezuela I starting taking singing and drum lessons, and singing and piano lessons in Valencia. However, as I was just a kid it did not take long for me to abandon all of these classes. I was never one to receive orders from anyone, it is not much of my thing. So I just meandered into the sea of bands out there for us to listen. Once you start listening to your first "favorite band" (Over the years I have learnt there is no such thing as "a" favorite band) your life gets channeled into this new perspective of life. From that point on, you will never be the same child you used to be. Earphones become the spaceship that rockets you into a different planet, and all of the sudden, you are not really missing home. The thing is that at this point you are just so ignorant of all there is out there. There is nothing like discovering an amazing underground band and just immersing into it like scuba divers in the great barrier of reef. Another world really. And, as you discover one heaps more just keep coming. Suddenly you find yourself with so much songs in your computer you would not even have time to listen to them all unless you kept your ipod running 24/7. But how can you get rid of a band from your library? You never know when you will stumble upon it and fall into it's canvas. That is my theory anyway. Some people do not understand what music is really about. Perhaps I am just stubborn when it comes to this subject, perhaps I'm not. But good music is not about stupid melodies that get stuck in your head or a beat that regardless of their obnoxious pervy lyrics get you swinging, because honestly, dancing as if you're having sex with clothes on with any guy that steps in front of you is not exactly my idea of flattering. To me, music is the combination of different tunes, notes and chords which creates an outlet of people's minds. But hey, do not get me wrong, it is not a matter of life and death it is so much more than that. The thing is there aren't words for me to explain it.

Music.

Music is the key to life. At least for me.

I am fed up of being dragged into the black hole. This is where it stops, this is where it ends but also when it starts all over again. This is when I finally hit rock bottom and get to stand up again and face the consequences. This is where I remain strong, true to myself, not driven into temptations. I have had enough of it all, enough of this addiction, enough of this lack of decisiveness. This is when I gain power, will and force to reach my goals. This is when the excuses are over and I stand against the reality. This is my promise, this is my fate, this is my moment. Nothing can stop me, nothing but my own weakness. Strength is my weapon, and I will succeed.

Uncovering the origin of the emotion is where everything revolves. At this point there will be no shortcuts. Just plain war, it is me against the mind. Fight to death, only one can remain in this train of feeble thoughts and unwilling actions. I am putting my foot down to this madness, this insanity. I am not being pulled in like the rest, I am bigger than that, bigger than them. I can not lower myself to that level of decrepitude and deficiency. Settling for the undemanding as if I weren't able to achieve more. I am breaking through this brick wall that seems so unnerving. I am not being caged in.

This is a promise I make to myself today, tonight at this instant in time to set the future of me.

Under the Carpet...

I found myself sitting in silence, observing the ocean. It has been a while since I have actually spent some time with my own thoughts. Perhaps I have been risking my emotional stability a bit overboard so I am just avoiding to face the facts. I say I am fine, I really think I am. However, there is one small piece inside of me screaming the opposite. It makes me wonder if I am just slipping all my problems under the carpet, and if I am there might come the point when you simply can hide the tumult anymore.

I am questioning the sanity of it all. Just how wrong can this all be, or maybe how normal?... Those things do affect me, they are not as insignificant as I would want them to be. No matter how strong I would like to seem I know it is not swiping by as smoothly as I would like to believe. My consciousness does not really want to leave the comfort zone located far away from the sensitive side. Rather leave it wining on its own. If you do not see it you can not believe it is a good philosophy to roam around life unscathed.

Taking a sip is merely an exit door to run away from yourself. How fucked up can I be to be escaping for so long now? And how long until they actually catch up with me? I am scared to immerse myself into the tunes and the melodies that will dig up all I have hid undercover. Should I just let go, face the inevitable?

Something about Today

I do not know if I am just drowsy from the day that just swept by, or something inexplicable is really clouding my mind. Sounds rather eloquent that nothing can be quite explanatory of my situation, despite it I will try to illustrate what it is I am trying to decipher.

To begin with I would like to connote that it has been an utterly regular day, so regular it goes beyond the standards. Nothing happened, nothing enlightened me, nothing blued me, nothing astonished me, yet nothing put me down just because of the forthcoming. Needless to say my mind had no action for the day; just calm, blue sea displayed upon a clear blue canvas, exactly the same as I could see through my window. With no means can I say it was a bad day, but it was not any better than any other. Precisely laid just upon "0", not a step positive or negative. As I have said before, I always appreciate something that sets out of the ordinary even if it refers to something below "0". Perhaps this would make my day the worst among all, given my point of view. At the same time I should point out the day had the same foundation to pass by along with the rest, unnoticed, either adding or subtracting to my balance, but for some reason it was not.

The difference of this day can not be found outside, among weather conditions, or social encounters; it is just inside my head. The difference is due to a void in my head. I have let go to all of my attachments and now, I remain with none. I am not fighting, not mourning, or celebrating for anything. I have simply redeemed myself to whatever is to come. However, now everything seems dull and colorless, just shades of gray. As if I were giving up on all, and just accepting what is served in my plate. I have definitely never been one for settling, but I neither have I been one for waiting. Maybe time does not exist as many theories may imply, but I find we do set upon a lifetime with this context and I am not about to let this one slip away from me. Even so I feel restless, despite my wants and needs I still have not found a way to get past the once open door that stands in my way. The thing is, when I come to think of it, I am not sure I even want to. I stick with this sole door only because I know it is closed and it keeps me in the thought of actually doing something, instead of loitering around lacking of goals and beliefs.

All this random ideas, all uncertain, yet all argumentatively right. You can stand strongly for anything if you just believe in it, but what if I have nothing to believe in? Am I to lay around in the midst of abhorrent events? I have all this pile of emotions just sitting inside me with nothing to react to. How I wish something could set them alive, any of them... Set "me" alive. Take me away from the monotony one is relentless to experience in life. Yes, we go through rises and falls, but we also go through straight paths; precisely these are the ones I am terrified of. No challenge to face, no victory to celebrate, no loss to regret, just nothingness. Without any distractions there is nothing to do less to think, examine your life, go through all of your decisions and come up with some judgement about it. This is the part I loathe, nothing worse than being measured or acclaimed to something, even by myself. If only we could just go by ignorant of judgements. Everything has to be graded, qualified, recognized, scored. Everyone knows who is winning and losing in a game, is there really the need of a score board? Something to rub off on your face is just painfully redundant. Even if it refers to something good, your pride is already up high, no need to boost it more, it makes you end up bigger than your body.

All in all, the only thing truthful I can say is that the day is fortunately over. Soon the same sun will rise, just as it does everyday, and another set of cards will be drawn to uncover. I can just sleep with the hope of getting a better hand, and clear the fog in my head enjoying a glimpse of my own parallel universe manifested through my dreams.

The Meanwhile

There is something in my head, keeping my thoughts away but leaving the emotions. I can not quite connect them to anything particular. I just behold random emotions floating around in void created by the lack of thought. Feels funny, yet so confusing... Almost frustrating. I keep trying to link them to something, anything. Sometimes there is just nothing happening, sometimes you are just in the meanwhile, waiting for the next moment to come.

Bombshells

I'm fine. I'm ok. Missing the bombshells. It's all awfully quiet. Nothing under the line. Why would you want a calm sea when you can erode with waves. The stillness makes me anxious, as if something is to come. Nothing comes. Wanting so bad makes you desperate, even more when it's a hard thing to find. Never settled for the lower apples. I keep looking further up in the tree. Once you've taken a bite of the forbiden you'll never get the taste out of your mouth. Wind up expecting.

Distractions. Minor detonators to keep you down for a while. Perhaps it lessens the suspense of the final scene. Is it worth it? Even though I know the answer to that question, patience isn't my gift. The best kind of prize is a surprise, isn't that so. Take me down already if you need to. That way I don't get caught up on wondering, wishing and expecting. I don't mind, just get this weight off my back. What if it never comes. So many years ahead, I know, but the odds don't look very good. My mind is not good dealing with absences, anything that arrives should stay or otherwise drive me crazy. Nothing lasts forever though, so I should start learning to deal with growing voids.

Settle, not settle, pride, desire, self-esteem, anxiousness. So many wishes, which to follow. Is there a right choice? Arguments backing up each one of them. All of them seem so convincing.

Mind's Insight

I asked for this. I wanted an out of dullness either way, that is exactly what I got. Shouldn't be complaining. Pleasure out of the suffering, not quite so. At least there is a different mood swing to my weekday monotony. The part I have to figure out is weather I really prefer this over standing in zero. I probably do. May sound utterly masochist, I still wonder why I hold this point of view. Exploring human emotions gives me pleasure. Too bad the best of them I've already gone through. Catching the down rise is a whole different go. Outsiders perspective is what sets you riding again. Sheepishly fooled by a minds game isn't something to pride of. Yet I find myself unexpectedly vulnerable to this kind of situations. My rock solid defence erodes by a simple touch of the biological hormones. Susceptibility is my weak point. Leads me to a point where a single touch can burst my insides to unstoppable flame. So close to destruction my forces feed of the energy provided by a harmonic tune entwined with the fervent emotion. Is it enough? Can it fully recover? I like to think it does. It's all about the connection with the ongoing melody. Desperate, can't compete; you've got me wired. Becoming ashamed of my feeble attempts to set free. Send me another. Roll me another. I can't beat it. There must be a point were you've taken all that can come. All of the sudden the drive is gone. Never unprepared. Give it a go, try me. I'm up to whatever there is to come. I can only learn so much. When the sun shines it only fades out the darkness temporarily, the truth is it's always there. Stakes are getting higher. A little bit of understanding would be enlightening. I'm a stubborn one though, I like to learn my own lesson, having my hard time. Otherwise, how will you ever know for sure. Not keen on assumption. Cold, harsh, mind boggling proof. That is my one addiction. To win big you have to be prepared to lose it all.

Think. This individual represents something, something my mind is psychologically tied to. A prototype. For some reason it sets me on, unlike other cases which just slip. I like the way it feels, my head becomes an excuses industry with the goal of protecting the sole entity of the one in question. My argumentative lobe embraces a duel to death that never actually ends. I saw the good side of him. I keep believing I can find a way to carve it out for myself. The infinite possibilities blind me of the reality. Stubborn as I am I give hope to the situation. Besides the chemicals, the hormones, and drug like substances that run through my body, nothing else seems to link me to it. How can you subdue your body under such influences. Biological issues take me to the most undesirable reactions. That's probably a proper scan of the situation, but still the solution to all remains uncertain.

Utter Disconcert

Completely abashed. My heart and soul took more than they can take in one night. Feels like a slap in the face followed by a punch to your stomach sucking the air right out of you leaving you on the ground to be kicked on your weak point. That is exactly how I feel right now, I even reckon the literal image sounds soothing next to my inner wreck. My moral conscience always gets the best of me in a rough situation. Need some serious motivational boost to get through this.

Whitewater shades flowing through the murky night light

My mind is racing, just rushing to lose control. Take over what's left of me. Leaving me oblivious to my surroundings to the reality, facing autodestruction. The struggle to win gets heavier and the odds are leaving me out, defeated. It's just impossible to think the stage you can get to, the phases you can develop in such subtle passive environment. Unbelievably bewildered, stoked out of my head. Can seem to catch up with the rest, I'm just being left behind. The question remains, what is to expect when you hit rock bottom. I've been peaking up and down and haven't got the best of it just yet. This feeling drives me crazy. I'm in for all or nothing, it scares the hell out of me if I were to give up. Finally let go and crash in solid ground. What would there be left of me. Everyone seems to handle their journey quite well, it's a mystery to me what different scenarios we're put through. Mine seems increasingly relentless sometimes, deceived with an ample colourful cover. Unnerving how it turns out to be when immersed in the story. From an outsiders point of view it dazzles in excitement. I just can seem to connect the sections quite rights. I can't seem to flow through my ride during the sloppy walls. The oceans always finds the way to suck out my weak point, no matter how stable I seem to be riding. Although, some sparkles shine alight at certain points, nothing gets to ignite my flame. Enduring a rough patch is probably your hardest challenge. As for me, I'm not particularly nailing mine. Pressure is getting the best of me. But as it happens continually just when the night gets darker it can only start to lighten up, and precisely that is what keeps me going at this point.

Afternoon Dullness

What is wrong is uncertain. The feeling that has taken over me has come to blind my mind from what surrounds it. It remains focused in one sole direction, one destiny, one hope, one daydream, one wish. Though I have nothing to back up this bizarre sensation, I'm slowly fading to its trace. Everything is so crazy, so remote. Nothing seems to matter at all, it's all caught up by indifference. My words make no sense, my thoughts lack of meaning, there just sits the unending and enigmatic desire.

Silent screams.

Something is bugging me.. Something deep down is getting on my nerves and manifesting throughout any minor mistake, even worse with stupid ones. I'm like an unactive volcano trying to explode and radiate all of it's power, but can find an outlet. So much anger is running inside of me and the fact of not being able to do so makes it even bigger. Subtle difficulties ignite my fire, but I only seem to be burning on the inside. I'm fighting my morals, I don't want to control myself. I just want to burst into a million pieces and not leave a single uncomfort untold. I just wanna set the gas on fire and slowly, progressively take over the rest of the world. Like a thin line of oil not minded as it spelt through the pavement on a cold sunday night. Feel the wrath of anger flowing through every single inch of its combustion. Just feel the pain, I want to feel something, anything... Whether good or bad will always stand over the monotony. I want the numbness to disappear, the dullness to fade away. I've waited for it to come the good way but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I should just force it sideways. Either way will uneven the balance that is driving me to my toll.

Recessive

Your eyes, your voice, your smile, your smell. It haunts me in plain daylight. A presence I simply can't ignore. Standing there in the corner of my mind, watching my every move, judging each step I take. Not the way it used to be, more like a pasive image strained through my train of thought.

Makes me feel I was wrong all along. Wasted effort on forgetting you, because one simple word can make me go blind. It's just crazy... the way you make my world flip. Unacceptable. Uncontrolable.

I've gotten over it, I have. But I can't seem to forget it. It's just there, reminding me daily that I can't control myself at all. Reminding me my decisions are just recessive, if a dominant particle is added I'm subdued.

"For the best"

I take it as the most predictable outcome. In the end this was bound to happen. I couldn't go so smoothly after all. After the harsh close that resulted in my personal case,I thought it would set sail. Apparently it found it's way back to shore. It's not over still, and I don't think it will really ever be. It takes three sentences from him to prove he still owns a piece of me. He isn't quite ready to relinquish just yet. I will just have to learn to endure it. Each second that ticks by grows us further apart and each word makes me realize how live loses its depth in my solitude. As if I were living in automatic stance, sleepwalking through time. My absent gaze is the one that gives me away.

I just know it is the path that has to be taken, the direccion meant for my life right now. The knowledge of this vague intuision makes me drown in my own grief and abide to my apathy. I am not so sure to be ready to accept this decision, but it has already been taken. "For the best". Three words that crush me and make me hit stiffly towards the damp ground. Then I find myself paralyzed, laying face to the floor, truant. Not a single thought dares to cross my mind. I am just numb. Don't notice when comes the ink colored sky, without a single star hangs high. Only the serene silver displayed by the moon. Then again, it fades to gray, the birds praise a new day, and I remain the same. Maybe I've died in vain, but I can't see myself living a new day.

My First Blogged Bemusement

It suddenly hit me. I'm a coward. I run from everything regarding one unique excuse, I can do better than this. It's just a lie. There is no such thing as good and better, there is just the fact of being content with yourself. That is what makes something exclusively right for you. And this I do know, you can not fill in a void with something else. It's like fitting a cube in a sphere. You can try as hard as you want, but it won't make any difference. That is what I've been doing all along. You think you can go back to the way it used to be. I'm starting to corroborate the veracity of my theories. Once you've opened some space in your timetable to delegate, you can't go back. At that precise moment the neverending search comences. You'll believe you've conquered it at times, but it won't be long till it's over and you continue pursuing that piece that's missing. The truth is nothing ever existed, you're just looking for something you never knew about. People find so many different ways to stuff the empty. If I may say ignorants have an easier task. Understanding has dual sharpness to it, but at the same time I'm grateful I don't lack of it. I have no wish to live a shallow life. Rather be profound and thoughtful, even if it costs me some moments of despair. I'm afraid, now that I come to think about it, I've retraced my bewilderment elsewhere. A certain remorse came along with it. Some more burden to carry I guess. When I look at this, myself, my thoughts from a different perspective I can't help but think I get so caught up in such trains of thought. I should just avoid them. Play ignorant for some time. But at the same time you know, if you do so, these little things will manifest anyways, whether through unwanted habits or inexplicable sorrow. Better confront it I guess, even if you know you won't actually find any answers. In some strange way it lightens you up a bit. It's hard to be distracted all day long, specially when your just waiting for something in particular that's weeks away. This was the reason I wanted school to start on vacations, to get away from my obstuse mind. You can't run away forever. However, at the same time, it never ends. You just confront it over and over. The solution to everything is to have a busy life, unless you have that special someone I guess. I sure know that distracts you a whole lot, if not entirely. Three whole weeks to burn, twenty one days each holding aproximately fourteen hours of conciousness. Then we have a whole new beggining, my secret little excuse.