Mind's Insight

I asked for this. I wanted an out of dullness either way, that is exactly what I got. Shouldn't be complaining. Pleasure out of the suffering, not quite so. At least there is a different mood swing to my weekday monotony. The part I have to figure out is weather I really prefer this over standing in zero. I probably do. May sound utterly masochist, I still wonder why I hold this point of view. Exploring human emotions gives me pleasure. Too bad the best of them I've already gone through. Catching the down rise is a whole different go. Outsiders perspective is what sets you riding again. Sheepishly fooled by a minds game isn't something to pride of. Yet I find myself unexpectedly vulnerable to this kind of situations. My rock solid defence erodes by a simple touch of the biological hormones. Susceptibility is my weak point. Leads me to a point where a single touch can burst my insides to unstoppable flame. So close to destruction my forces feed of the energy provided by a harmonic tune entwined with the fervent emotion. Is it enough? Can it fully recover? I like to think it does. It's all about the connection with the ongoing melody. Desperate, can't compete; you've got me wired. Becoming ashamed of my feeble attempts to set free. Send me another. Roll me another. I can't beat it. There must be a point were you've taken all that can come. All of the sudden the drive is gone. Never unprepared. Give it a go, try me. I'm up to whatever there is to come. I can only learn so much. When the sun shines it only fades out the darkness temporarily, the truth is it's always there. Stakes are getting higher. A little bit of understanding would be enlightening. I'm a stubborn one though, I like to learn my own lesson, having my hard time. Otherwise, how will you ever know for sure. Not keen on assumption. Cold, harsh, mind boggling proof. That is my one addiction. To win big you have to be prepared to lose it all.

Think. This individual represents something, something my mind is psychologically tied to. A prototype. For some reason it sets me on, unlike other cases which just slip. I like the way it feels, my head becomes an excuses industry with the goal of protecting the sole entity of the one in question. My argumentative lobe embraces a duel to death that never actually ends. I saw the good side of him. I keep believing I can find a way to carve it out for myself. The infinite possibilities blind me of the reality. Stubborn as I am I give hope to the situation. Besides the chemicals, the hormones, and drug like substances that run through my body, nothing else seems to link me to it. How can you subdue your body under such influences. Biological issues take me to the most undesirable reactions. That's probably a proper scan of the situation, but still the solution to all remains uncertain.

Utter Disconcert

Completely abashed. My heart and soul took more than they can take in one night. Feels like a slap in the face followed by a punch to your stomach sucking the air right out of you leaving you on the ground to be kicked on your weak point. That is exactly how I feel right now, I even reckon the literal image sounds soothing next to my inner wreck. My moral conscience always gets the best of me in a rough situation. Need some serious motivational boost to get through this.

Whitewater shades flowing through the murky night light

My mind is racing, just rushing to lose control. Take over what's left of me. Leaving me oblivious to my surroundings to the reality, facing autodestruction. The struggle to win gets heavier and the odds are leaving me out, defeated. It's just impossible to think the stage you can get to, the phases you can develop in such subtle passive environment. Unbelievably bewildered, stoked out of my head. Can seem to catch up with the rest, I'm just being left behind. The question remains, what is to expect when you hit rock bottom. I've been peaking up and down and haven't got the best of it just yet. This feeling drives me crazy. I'm in for all or nothing, it scares the hell out of me if I were to give up. Finally let go and crash in solid ground. What would there be left of me. Everyone seems to handle their journey quite well, it's a mystery to me what different scenarios we're put through. Mine seems increasingly relentless sometimes, deceived with an ample colourful cover. Unnerving how it turns out to be when immersed in the story. From an outsiders point of view it dazzles in excitement. I just can seem to connect the sections quite rights. I can't seem to flow through my ride during the sloppy walls. The oceans always finds the way to suck out my weak point, no matter how stable I seem to be riding. Although, some sparkles shine alight at certain points, nothing gets to ignite my flame. Enduring a rough patch is probably your hardest challenge. As for me, I'm not particularly nailing mine. Pressure is getting the best of me. But as it happens continually just when the night gets darker it can only start to lighten up, and precisely that is what keeps me going at this point.

Afternoon Dullness

What is wrong is uncertain. The feeling that has taken over me has come to blind my mind from what surrounds it. It remains focused in one sole direction, one destiny, one hope, one daydream, one wish. Though I have nothing to back up this bizarre sensation, I'm slowly fading to its trace. Everything is so crazy, so remote. Nothing seems to matter at all, it's all caught up by indifference. My words make no sense, my thoughts lack of meaning, there just sits the unending and enigmatic desire.

Silent screams.

Something is bugging me.. Something deep down is getting on my nerves and manifesting throughout any minor mistake, even worse with stupid ones. I'm like an unactive volcano trying to explode and radiate all of it's power, but can find an outlet. So much anger is running inside of me and the fact of not being able to do so makes it even bigger. Subtle difficulties ignite my fire, but I only seem to be burning on the inside. I'm fighting my morals, I don't want to control myself. I just want to burst into a million pieces and not leave a single uncomfort untold. I just wanna set the gas on fire and slowly, progressively take over the rest of the world. Like a thin line of oil not minded as it spelt through the pavement on a cold sunday night. Feel the wrath of anger flowing through every single inch of its combustion. Just feel the pain, I want to feel something, anything... Whether good or bad will always stand over the monotony. I want the numbness to disappear, the dullness to fade away. I've waited for it to come the good way but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I should just force it sideways. Either way will uneven the balance that is driving me to my toll.

Recessive

Your eyes, your voice, your smile, your smell. It haunts me in plain daylight. A presence I simply can't ignore. Standing there in the corner of my mind, watching my every move, judging each step I take. Not the way it used to be, more like a pasive image strained through my train of thought.

Makes me feel I was wrong all along. Wasted effort on forgetting you, because one simple word can make me go blind. It's just crazy... the way you make my world flip. Unacceptable. Uncontrolable.

I've gotten over it, I have. But I can't seem to forget it. It's just there, reminding me daily that I can't control myself at all. Reminding me my decisions are just recessive, if a dominant particle is added I'm subdued.

"For the best"

I take it as the most predictable outcome. In the end this was bound to happen. I couldn't go so smoothly after all. After the harsh close that resulted in my personal case,I thought it would set sail. Apparently it found it's way back to shore. It's not over still, and I don't think it will really ever be. It takes three sentences from him to prove he still owns a piece of me. He isn't quite ready to relinquish just yet. I will just have to learn to endure it. Each second that ticks by grows us further apart and each word makes me realize how live loses its depth in my solitude. As if I were living in automatic stance, sleepwalking through time. My absent gaze is the one that gives me away.

I just know it is the path that has to be taken, the direccion meant for my life right now. The knowledge of this vague intuision makes me drown in my own grief and abide to my apathy. I am not so sure to be ready to accept this decision, but it has already been taken. "For the best". Three words that crush me and make me hit stiffly towards the damp ground. Then I find myself paralyzed, laying face to the floor, truant. Not a single thought dares to cross my mind. I am just numb. Don't notice when comes the ink colored sky, without a single star hangs high. Only the serene silver displayed by the moon. Then again, it fades to gray, the birds praise a new day, and I remain the same. Maybe I've died in vain, but I can't see myself living a new day.