Under the Carpet...

I found myself sitting in silence, observing the ocean. It has been a while since I have actually spent some time with my own thoughts. Perhaps I have been risking my emotional stability a bit overboard so I am just avoiding to face the facts. I say I am fine, I really think I am. However, there is one small piece inside of me screaming the opposite. It makes me wonder if I am just slipping all my problems under the carpet, and if I am there might come the point when you simply can hide the tumult anymore.

I am questioning the sanity of it all. Just how wrong can this all be, or maybe how normal?... Those things do affect me, they are not as insignificant as I would want them to be. No matter how strong I would like to seem I know it is not swiping by as smoothly as I would like to believe. My consciousness does not really want to leave the comfort zone located far away from the sensitive side. Rather leave it wining on its own. If you do not see it you can not believe it is a good philosophy to roam around life unscathed.

Taking a sip is merely an exit door to run away from yourself. How fucked up can I be to be escaping for so long now? And how long until they actually catch up with me? I am scared to immerse myself into the tunes and the melodies that will dig up all I have hid undercover. Should I just let go, face the inevitable?

Something about Today

I do not know if I am just drowsy from the day that just swept by, or something inexplicable is really clouding my mind. Sounds rather eloquent that nothing can be quite explanatory of my situation, despite it I will try to illustrate what it is I am trying to decipher.

To begin with I would like to connote that it has been an utterly regular day, so regular it goes beyond the standards. Nothing happened, nothing enlightened me, nothing blued me, nothing astonished me, yet nothing put me down just because of the forthcoming. Needless to say my mind had no action for the day; just calm, blue sea displayed upon a clear blue canvas, exactly the same as I could see through my window. With no means can I say it was a bad day, but it was not any better than any other. Precisely laid just upon "0", not a step positive or negative. As I have said before, I always appreciate something that sets out of the ordinary even if it refers to something below "0". Perhaps this would make my day the worst among all, given my point of view. At the same time I should point out the day had the same foundation to pass by along with the rest, unnoticed, either adding or subtracting to my balance, but for some reason it was not.

The difference of this day can not be found outside, among weather conditions, or social encounters; it is just inside my head. The difference is due to a void in my head. I have let go to all of my attachments and now, I remain with none. I am not fighting, not mourning, or celebrating for anything. I have simply redeemed myself to whatever is to come. However, now everything seems dull and colorless, just shades of gray. As if I were giving up on all, and just accepting what is served in my plate. I have definitely never been one for settling, but I neither have I been one for waiting. Maybe time does not exist as many theories may imply, but I find we do set upon a lifetime with this context and I am not about to let this one slip away from me. Even so I feel restless, despite my wants and needs I still have not found a way to get past the once open door that stands in my way. The thing is, when I come to think of it, I am not sure I even want to. I stick with this sole door only because I know it is closed and it keeps me in the thought of actually doing something, instead of loitering around lacking of goals and beliefs.

All this random ideas, all uncertain, yet all argumentatively right. You can stand strongly for anything if you just believe in it, but what if I have nothing to believe in? Am I to lay around in the midst of abhorrent events? I have all this pile of emotions just sitting inside me with nothing to react to. How I wish something could set them alive, any of them... Set "me" alive. Take me away from the monotony one is relentless to experience in life. Yes, we go through rises and falls, but we also go through straight paths; precisely these are the ones I am terrified of. No challenge to face, no victory to celebrate, no loss to regret, just nothingness. Without any distractions there is nothing to do less to think, examine your life, go through all of your decisions and come up with some judgement about it. This is the part I loathe, nothing worse than being measured or acclaimed to something, even by myself. If only we could just go by ignorant of judgements. Everything has to be graded, qualified, recognized, scored. Everyone knows who is winning and losing in a game, is there really the need of a score board? Something to rub off on your face is just painfully redundant. Even if it refers to something good, your pride is already up high, no need to boost it more, it makes you end up bigger than your body.

All in all, the only thing truthful I can say is that the day is fortunately over. Soon the same sun will rise, just as it does everyday, and another set of cards will be drawn to uncover. I can just sleep with the hope of getting a better hand, and clear the fog in my head enjoying a glimpse of my own parallel universe manifested through my dreams.

The Meanwhile

There is something in my head, keeping my thoughts away but leaving the emotions. I can not quite connect them to anything particular. I just behold random emotions floating around in void created by the lack of thought. Feels funny, yet so confusing... Almost frustrating. I keep trying to link them to something, anything. Sometimes there is just nothing happening, sometimes you are just in the meanwhile, waiting for the next moment to come.

Bombshells

I'm fine. I'm ok. Missing the bombshells. It's all awfully quiet. Nothing under the line. Why would you want a calm sea when you can erode with waves. The stillness makes me anxious, as if something is to come. Nothing comes. Wanting so bad makes you desperate, even more when it's a hard thing to find. Never settled for the lower apples. I keep looking further up in the tree. Once you've taken a bite of the forbiden you'll never get the taste out of your mouth. Wind up expecting.

Distractions. Minor detonators to keep you down for a while. Perhaps it lessens the suspense of the final scene. Is it worth it? Even though I know the answer to that question, patience isn't my gift. The best kind of prize is a surprise, isn't that so. Take me down already if you need to. That way I don't get caught up on wondering, wishing and expecting. I don't mind, just get this weight off my back. What if it never comes. So many years ahead, I know, but the odds don't look very good. My mind is not good dealing with absences, anything that arrives should stay or otherwise drive me crazy. Nothing lasts forever though, so I should start learning to deal with growing voids.

Settle, not settle, pride, desire, self-esteem, anxiousness. So many wishes, which to follow. Is there a right choice? Arguments backing up each one of them. All of them seem so convincing.

Mind's Insight

I asked for this. I wanted an out of dullness either way, that is exactly what I got. Shouldn't be complaining. Pleasure out of the suffering, not quite so. At least there is a different mood swing to my weekday monotony. The part I have to figure out is weather I really prefer this over standing in zero. I probably do. May sound utterly masochist, I still wonder why I hold this point of view. Exploring human emotions gives me pleasure. Too bad the best of them I've already gone through. Catching the down rise is a whole different go. Outsiders perspective is what sets you riding again. Sheepishly fooled by a minds game isn't something to pride of. Yet I find myself unexpectedly vulnerable to this kind of situations. My rock solid defence erodes by a simple touch of the biological hormones. Susceptibility is my weak point. Leads me to a point where a single touch can burst my insides to unstoppable flame. So close to destruction my forces feed of the energy provided by a harmonic tune entwined with the fervent emotion. Is it enough? Can it fully recover? I like to think it does. It's all about the connection with the ongoing melody. Desperate, can't compete; you've got me wired. Becoming ashamed of my feeble attempts to set free. Send me another. Roll me another. I can't beat it. There must be a point were you've taken all that can come. All of the sudden the drive is gone. Never unprepared. Give it a go, try me. I'm up to whatever there is to come. I can only learn so much. When the sun shines it only fades out the darkness temporarily, the truth is it's always there. Stakes are getting higher. A little bit of understanding would be enlightening. I'm a stubborn one though, I like to learn my own lesson, having my hard time. Otherwise, how will you ever know for sure. Not keen on assumption. Cold, harsh, mind boggling proof. That is my one addiction. To win big you have to be prepared to lose it all.

Think. This individual represents something, something my mind is psychologically tied to. A prototype. For some reason it sets me on, unlike other cases which just slip. I like the way it feels, my head becomes an excuses industry with the goal of protecting the sole entity of the one in question. My argumentative lobe embraces a duel to death that never actually ends. I saw the good side of him. I keep believing I can find a way to carve it out for myself. The infinite possibilities blind me of the reality. Stubborn as I am I give hope to the situation. Besides the chemicals, the hormones, and drug like substances that run through my body, nothing else seems to link me to it. How can you subdue your body under such influences. Biological issues take me to the most undesirable reactions. That's probably a proper scan of the situation, but still the solution to all remains uncertain.

Utter Disconcert

Completely abashed. My heart and soul took more than they can take in one night. Feels like a slap in the face followed by a punch to your stomach sucking the air right out of you leaving you on the ground to be kicked on your weak point. That is exactly how I feel right now, I even reckon the literal image sounds soothing next to my inner wreck. My moral conscience always gets the best of me in a rough situation. Need some serious motivational boost to get through this.

Whitewater shades flowing through the murky night light

My mind is racing, just rushing to lose control. Take over what's left of me. Leaving me oblivious to my surroundings to the reality, facing autodestruction. The struggle to win gets heavier and the odds are leaving me out, defeated. It's just impossible to think the stage you can get to, the phases you can develop in such subtle passive environment. Unbelievably bewildered, stoked out of my head. Can seem to catch up with the rest, I'm just being left behind. The question remains, what is to expect when you hit rock bottom. I've been peaking up and down and haven't got the best of it just yet. This feeling drives me crazy. I'm in for all or nothing, it scares the hell out of me if I were to give up. Finally let go and crash in solid ground. What would there be left of me. Everyone seems to handle their journey quite well, it's a mystery to me what different scenarios we're put through. Mine seems increasingly relentless sometimes, deceived with an ample colourful cover. Unnerving how it turns out to be when immersed in the story. From an outsiders point of view it dazzles in excitement. I just can seem to connect the sections quite rights. I can't seem to flow through my ride during the sloppy walls. The oceans always finds the way to suck out my weak point, no matter how stable I seem to be riding. Although, some sparkles shine alight at certain points, nothing gets to ignite my flame. Enduring a rough patch is probably your hardest challenge. As for me, I'm not particularly nailing mine. Pressure is getting the best of me. But as it happens continually just when the night gets darker it can only start to lighten up, and precisely that is what keeps me going at this point.